Once upon a time, we lived in a world shrouded in Darkness (that is Darkness with a capital D, because though his given name was George W. Bush, his true name was Darkness). The policies of his administration left a blight on our beautiful land; scorching the middle class with his supposed “Tax Cuts” (that we all know, because MSNBC told us so, would only benefit the RICH).

His reign lasted an unbearable eight years. Though there were valiant men, willing to challenge this Darkness (as he would later be called). Al Gore: The Always Scintillating and NEVER Boring, was called upon to fight. Unfortunately, due to the Electoral College (wicked and unjust as it was), Gore: The Scintillating lost the battle, and had to return to obscurity and yearly climate summits.

Another challenger stepped forward four years later to challenge the Darkness (as he was now officially being called). His name was John Kerry: The Swiftboated. Unfortunately, after waging a beautifully tactical campaign (some would even say god-like), the Darkness sent his minions after Kerry: The Swiftboated. They summarily tried to discredit his position as a war hero by telling the people of America (as it has always been called) that John Kerry was a “coward” and a “liar”. Of course we all know that facts are malleable things, and despite supposed “mountains of evidence” and “eye-witness testimony”, Kerry fought on, only to fall in the face of the Darkness. Injustice prevailed that day.

Finally, in 2008, the long and barbaric reign of the Darkness had come to an end. However, there was a new Darkness rising. Her name was Sarah Palin: The Foolish. But there was Hope (with a capital H, because that was his true name) in the form of Barack (no middle name given) Obama. This man rose up to face the tyranny of the draconian principles of fiscal responsibility and lower taxes. He transcended policy when he spoke. He had no need to talk about things of “substance”, but only messages of “Hope”, “Change” and “Yes We Can!” (With an exclamation mark, which means it’s true).

Oh, there were fights; bitter fights. But the brilliant and urbane Barack wanted no part in these lowly skirmishes. He simply wanted what was best for our United States (as it is sometimes called). In the end, there was no contest. The Hope (who had much more experience as a Senator than Palin did as “Governor”) defeated Palin: The Foolish, and that other guy she was running with. Change triumphed over darkness (with a lowercase d, because we’re not talking about Bush anymore), and America immediately began to flourish. The stocks skyrocketed to the heavens, millions of jobs were “saved” or created, the oceans stopped rising, the planted was healed, and all was at peace.

But The Hope was not yet finished with his beautiful designs. He dragged the auto-industry out of the depths into financial solvency. In return, GM only owes the taxpayers a mere $25 billion. The Hope enacted Obamacare, giving free healthcare to all. With the help and brilliance of The Hope, our healthcare mandate will not end in fiscal insolvency, like those other countries: Canada, Great Britain, Cuba, Greece, etc. because it is budget “neutral”. Of course, the definition of “neutral” had to change to meet the demands of the healthcare law, but The Hope was brave enough to challenge what it meant to be “budget neutral.”

Even though our wonderfully eloquent leader has done so much for this country, even now he faces opponents that are even greater than the previous Darkness (who’s wicked and destructive policies The Hope is still trying to fix). This DARKNESS (completely capitalized, because it is so much worse) is a wicked, old, rich, white guy (the very type of man, physically, that brought us into the depths in the first place). His name, though terrible to speak, is M*** R*****; or simply MR. He, and his equally maniacal second hand minion, P*** R***, or PR, as we shall refer to him henceforth, claim to have developed a plan that will “balance the budget”, and “bring back jobs” and “revive the economy.”

I urge you, do NOT believe in MR’s “extreme successes as a business man” or his “excellent record in Massachusetts” or his “57 point economic recovery plan that can be easily accessed on his website.” Believe, I ask you, in The Hope. Do NOT believe in PR’s plan to “bring solvency to Medicare” or “reduce our debt”; a plan easily accessible online. Believe, I ask you, in The Change. This DARKNESS (as it will ALWAYS be called) cannot win. We, the people will reelect Barack (no middle name given) Obama! The Hope will challenge the DARKNESS, and the DARKNESS, with all his talk of “fiscal responsibility” and “lower taxes” will fall like Goliath to the ground (though that is NOT an endorsement of one religion over another, simply a reference).

On November 6th, I beseech you to push through the throngs of hateful MR voters, who will undoubtedly try to harm you on the way to the polls, reach out to The Hope, and He will catch you. It is written and so it shall be.


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  1. xPraetorius says:

    This was a lot of fun to read! Nicely done. I think you can make a longer piece out of it and not lose anything. I enjoyed reading the whole thing, and was disappointed when it ended.

    Keep up the good work!

    — x

  2. Pingback: ONCE UPON A TIME: THE STORY OF THE HOPE « RubinoWorld

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